Thank you to Rochelle for Friday Fictioneers!
I am doing something slightly unusual. I took a request (from Miss Maggie) to take the story I just submitted and give it a happy ending. Well, then it needed a few adjustments. A more hopeful title, etc. So take your pick. Happy ending or sad ending. Which do you prefer?
PHOTO PROMPT © J Hardy Carroll
Embers of Bridges
“She needs a doctor, you stupid ox.”
Brian’s head jerks as if I landed a blow. “I’ll fix it.”
I don’t wait. I board a bus, murmuring songs in Kitty’s ear. Her eyes, green like Brian’s Emerald Isle, gaze at me.
Worries churn.
“She’s in good hands.”
How will we pay?
When the door opens, I glance over. Face bloodied, left eye swollen, Brian grins while displaying a wad of cash. Pressed against his chest, I hear his heart thud.
Interminable waiting. With each swing of the door, my heart plummets until my ear discerns the unmistakable lilt of Kitty’s cooing song.
end (100 words)
Sascha Darlington 2/28/2018
I prefer the first one
Thanks, Neil. 🙂
Yea, this works for me.
Thank you, James! 🙂
I’m torn between the happy ending for Kitty and the downbeat first one that feels like a more dramatic and involving story! Sorry Kitty…!
Thanks, Iain. I was just thinking that maybe I should have spent more time rewriting a bit of the beginning of the second one. Fun exercise though.
Dear Sascha,
Not only am I relieved by the happy ending, I think you did a better job of building tension in the waiting. both are good, but this is my favorite of the two.
Shalom,
Rochelle
Yay! Thanks, Rochelle. I’m glad the second one made people happy.
I love this one! I have to agree with rochellewisoff
Thanks, Phyllis! Fun thing to do.
Fun is important especially in writing. Sorry internet was down, couldn’t get back on today .
🙂 Fortunately when the internet is down it gives me no excuse but to do the things I’n supposed to be doing. 🙂
lmao, so true!
(It probably doesn’t go down often enough.)
lol, possibly, I am busy most of the time, writing has become a time I must eek out. lol
Is it too much to ask for both? Alternate endings are perfectly acceptable. It’s up to the reader to pick their favorite.
That works for me. Thanks, James!
Sort of reminds me of Yann Martel’s novel “Life of Pi.” The story actually has two endings and strongly influences the reader to accept the more interesting story, even though it might not be what actually happened.
I have yet to read that book. Thanks for reminding me of it. I’ll put it on the TBR for this year.
Yessssssssss! Kitty lives (which of her 9 lives is this? 😉 ) And a very sweet ending–that other ending was just a bad dream. THANK YOU!
Oh, no. We’re not doing the dream ending again, are we? That feels like such a cheat.
What a great exercise. I really like the alternate ending… and, yes, the buildup of tension is more palpable here.
Thanks, Dale. I think if I hadn’t been in a hurry to get it posted and get back to reading others’ stories, I might have rewritten more. And, it was a good exercise. I might do it (less publicly) again the future.
😀
They’re both so good it’s hard to tell.
Thank you so much for reading both, Larry. I appreciate your input! 🙂
Little more tension in this one as she waits for the result. Nicely done. Both stories work well.
For their daughter? Even if not, he’s clearly giving it his all.
Yes, for the doctor bills. And, yes, he did give it his all. Thanks for reading, Alice! 🙂
Bless him, he’s a star. I need to read the first one now.
Yes, he was a good guy! Thank you, Sarah. 🙂
The second one for me. I’m not big on ‘happy ever after’. 😉
Sorry, I meant the first one.
Thank you, Sandra. I appreciate your reading both! I can guarantee that the two for sale won’t happen often. 🙂
Happy ending, always.
Thank you so much! 🙂
I don’t know. I think the first was more powerful, but I really wanted Kitty to be okay, so I vote for the second 🙂
Thank you, Linda. I appreciate your reading! I might have to tally these votes up. It’s very close. 🙂
I vote for the second one. Not merely did it have a happy ending, but I’d been confused about the relationship between the characters in the first, and in this one the relationships are much clearer.
This was nice but I far preferred the first one. It had a gritty realistic punch to it, especially when Brian turns up with the cash but she’s died already.
Thank you. I very much appreciate your reading both. 🙂
I loved both. Your poetic prose is such a joy to read, Sascha. Thank you.
Thank you so much, Moon! 🙂
With the way of the world today, I’ll always go for the happy ending. Nicely done!
Thank you, Jan!
I needed to hear the happy one too.
Thanks, Bjorn. I appreciated your reading them both. Glad the happy one was welcome!
I liked them both. It’s always interesting to revisit and revise.
It is. And I think for the happy ending one to be truly effective, I wondered if I had revised enough because sometimes you make your word choice echo your intention.
Thanks for reading! 🙂
That 100-word limit!!!
Beautiful. I love your light touch which shows the reader so much without overdoing things.