And I don’t feel fine.
Funny, listening to that song makes me feel happy. R.E.M. makes the end of the world sound…happy.
What’s birthed this post is my being AWOL. It’s happened a lot within the past year and a half. I just find myself unable to face my blog.
The fact is that it has nothing whatsoever to do with my blog or my writing or anything remotely related and especially not my audience and fellow bloggers who I always look forward to interacting with. (Sorry for ending on a preposition. 😉 )
Today I analyzed what’s going on with me and this is what I concluded. I spend too much time at my computer visiting the internet, being inundated with all of the really bad stuff going on, and it’s having a huge affect on me. Shootings, hatred, prejudice, misogyny, Trump, the speeding up of climate change, melting ice, the extinctions. I visit Facebook and I’m bewildered by the drama of ignorance.
I look at my local newspaper (on the internet, of course). Someone’s shot someone over an accident. Someone stabbed a good Samaritan. Someone has denigrated someone. Someone doesn’t care that the world is going to hell in a hand-basket because their happily-elected, reprehensible political figure is making their one belief, their one goal, the holy grail, (among so many others for him) but they don’t care about the morality of the others because they are happy he’s making their goal come true. Blinders, double-standards and hypocrites.
I used to be a happy person, sometimes a funny person. Now I am a person who feels like my feet are in the quicksand of the old Tarzan movies I used to watch when I was knee-high to a grasshopper. I feel like I’m constantly mired and trying to find my way out. And on some days, it feels like it’s a futile effort.
When I was in my early 20’s, someone I admired called me an intellectual snob. It hurt enough that I carried the designation with me for a couple of decades. Now I wonder why it hurt. I’ve seen what stupidity produces. I’m living what stupidity produces. What’s so bad about being an intellectual snob when it may be the thing that Darwin suggested: the survival of the fittest? (He wasn’t talking about physique. I’m pretty sure.)
In all of my posts about trying to find humor and my funny, I never realized that it wasn’t just about me. It’s about the world. It’s harder to be light-hearted when you feel so much wrongness.
I don’t think I can turn off my “feel.” In fact, as a writer, I’m pretty sure that would be a really bad thing to do.
Should I turn off the internet?
Should I put blinders on?
Should I stop caring?
Sometimes I think the best thing I can do is just go to YouTube and find some really good videos of some really good musicians singing some really good songs. For about 4 minutes at a time, I’ll be transported to the realm of: “I do not care.”
Here we go:
I want to thank you all. My new followers, my old followers, my friends. My lack of participation is no reflection on you, or me, hopefully. It’s just that sometimes, lately, . . . I just can’t.
I’ll try to do better but in the meantime. Thanks. And you know what for.